Since today is Father’s Day in Spain, we didn’t want to miss the opportunity to address a subject that we come across in therapy. It is well known that we come from a culture where traditionally it was frowned upon for men to express emotions such as sadness, guilt, powerlessness, loneliness, or feeling not good enough. In the same way, the father figure was very much absent during the child’s upbringing, overworking himself in order to cover the child’s needs, but not being present physically or emotionally. Luckily, this has gradually changed over time. However, society’s approach towards the struggles that men face when becoming a father is still emotionally invalidating. Feeling vulnerable is an inevitable part of becoming a father, yet we still silence their feelings and pressure them to put on a brave face during this period of time.
What is the father’s role in fatherhood?
The supporting role of fathers is rightly emphasised throughout pregnancy and birth. They are encouraged to be calm and reassuring. During postpartum they should help out with chores (nappy changes, cooking, cleaning, etc). However, their role is much more significant than that; it is extremely important in the baby’s development in terms of attachment and social competence. Nevertheless, the message that is constantly repeated to them is that their job is to be there for their partner, that they have to be their biggest support. But what when they too have their doubts, fears of not knowing how to be a good parent? What if they too feel that they need help? In check-ups they are often ignored and not asked how they are coping.
Why is it difficult for fathers to open up about their struggles?
They too are navigating the journey of parenthood, figuring things out and building their new identity as a father. They also have feelings of incompetence and self-doubt, but many times bottle them up, as if their struggles are not legitimate.
Men also suffer the pain of perinatal grief. When there is a loss in pregnancy or childbirth, the father’s grief is is often considered secondary. He is expected more than ever to be the partner’s support, the rock. “Be strong”, “You must be there to support her”, as if there were no room for his own pain too, carrying his grief in silence. Often we see that by pushing aside their feelings, men often struggle to find their place in the family or with their partner, that they have a feeling of being “left out” or even “in the way”.
What are the consequences of not seeking psychological help?
Repressing these issues will often lead men to express their feelings in other ways, either through irritability or anger (making them be even more misunderstood by others), or through compensatory behaviours, such as drinking or smoking. They often isolate themselves from others, since pretending to be coping well is exhausting and unsustainable in the long run.
You are not alone
We are aware of all the difficulties that arise when becoming parents, and we advocate taking care of both parents’ mental health during such a vulnerable time.
Allowing yourself to experience mixed feelings will give you a chance to fully embrace your new role as a parent or redefine your roles as a partner, friend, or child in this new situation. Psychological acceptance offers countless advantages, which we will delve into in subsequent posts.
Our message is clear: you are not alone. There are many dads who feel like you, they just don’t talk about it or consider asking for help. We see you, we want to listen to your concerns, we are here to help you. Today we want to give voice to this invisible suffering.
