Not long ago, I read about the concept of anticipatory nostalgia: becoming aware, while you’re still living a moment, that you’ll miss it in the future.
I am going through the nostalgia of going through my last pregnancy. Feeling fulfilled and done, but at the same time, sad and nostalgic to not be going through this again. Whether it’s by choice or circumstance, closing this chapter can be both liberating as well as something you’ll deeply miss.
It’s the last time I’ll feel a baby kicking from the inside; the last newborn smell to snuggle up to. The last time I’ll see those pink lines on a pregnancy test and feel both excited and nervous. It’s the end of a version of becoming a mum again.
It’s not been a smooth pregnancy in any way either. Having had a previous miscarriage, and a few scares during this pregnancy, there were times I would catch myself trying to disconnect or detach myself, maybe even counting the weeks left for the due date. But probably the hardest but most rewarding exercise I put into practice was mindfulness. Having the courage to connect inwards; to talk to the baby, to feel the baby – even when there were times filled with uncertainty, even when I was feeling terribly scared.
I was afraid of something going wrong in this pregnancy, afraid of loving and losing. The fear of this pain can tempt us to avoid connection altogether. I came to the realisation that the cost of trying to protect myself from pain was to not connect at all with the experience, with the baby. As if tiptoeing through the pregnancy, not wanting to look at it directly, and just hope for the best. And I realised that no matter the outcome, I did actually want to be present. I wanted the baby to feel how loved he was no matter what.
I won’t romanticise this because it hasn’t been an easy journey. But I can say wholeheartedly that I have felt more connected and present throughout this pregnancy than in any of the ones before, even when it’s been the hardest pregnancy of them all. And as I wait for the baby to decide to come, I still notice and make room for the uncertainty, for the worries, but also give space to excitement and fulfilment. I can be proud and grateful to have lived this chapter fully.
If you’re currently pregnant, or on the journey towards becoming a parent, and find yourself clouded by worries or uncertainty, please know that you’re not alone.
These feelings are far more common than we often dare to speak about, and having them doesn’t mean you’re not excited nor grateful for this next chapter.
You don’t have to let fear take over the experience. If you’d like support, you can always reach out to our team – we’re here to help you manage your fears in a more effective way where they don’t dictate the experience, and instead feel more grounded, allowing space to the discomfort but also to the excitement of what’s ahead.
